Thursday, 31 March 2011

It's just so unexpected

April is almost upon us, and it's coming to that time of the season when fans up and down the country are biting their nails down to their elbows and discreetly messing themselves regarding the fate of their beloved teams. Whether your side is clambering for the last European place (Aston Villa) or despretly trying to fight off relegation (Aston Villa) the end of the season is also a time for reflection. Maybe an end of session DVD to relive the glories of the season past, or some two bit z-lister cashing in on your teams failings by bringing out a compilation of your centre half smashing the ball into his own face and into the net. (if you haven't yet seen the infamous Chris Brass own goal, I suggest you toddle off to YouTube immediately)
But how about we all take this time to sit back with a cold one and all enjoy the first annual.....
Let's get things started with tonights first award......

The Max Clifford Public relations award:
A tough category this year. With a generation of footballers who are so proud of the genitalia that they feel the need to text evidence of their lengthy appendage to any willing young strumpet, the competition has been fierce.
But the award must go to liverpool newcomer and all round disappointment Jonjo Shelvey, who thought that it would be selfish to share the wealth (as it were) with just one young lucky lady, but instead thought that all of his twitter followers would benefit from a viewing of his man-piece. God bless you Jonjo, a deserved winner!

The runaway train award:
An award befitting a team that has demolished all comers and dominated the league proceedings. With the premier league being as open as as a cheap hooker, and the Scottish premier being the closest in a while (relatively speaking) we are forced to look elsewhere.
QPR (or Adel Taarabt United) have had a suprisingly stable season under the stewardship of football's most unstable man, but surely the award must go to League 2 leaders Chesterfield who have merked the opposition left right and centre all season and look certs to make the jump out of the basement. Look out Southampton, the Spireites are coming!

Goal of the season:
Wayne Rooney vs Manchester City. Neeeeeeext!

Game of the season/decade/millenium:
Now i can't claim to be any kind of art critic, and wouldn't be in a position to actually judge what constitutes art, but surely this game cannot be far away.
Barcelona 5 Real Madrid 0
A true masterpiece of a match. Any Barca/Madrid game is always a huge spectacle, but this one was massive! Two teams that had been in imperious form all year and had scored exactly 4 billion goals between them. A close and nervy tactical exchange was surely expected between two young managers desprate for bragging rights. Instead Pep's posse turned football into pornography and turned Real Madrid into the dog and duck.

The Dick Van Dyke one man band award:
Tottenham Hotspur were cutting a forlorn figure at the San Siro. 3-0 down in the early stages and looking like a side with no route back into the game. Up step Gareth Bale. A boy that came of age that night in Milan and showed the world what he was capable of. Although not enough to save Spurs on the night, but enough to show their intentions of competing with the big boys of Europe.

The "it's not you, it's me" award:
Things were looking so rosey in the garden of Villa park. The appointment of an experienced tactician in the shape of Gerard Houllier, a man who could bring a prosperous and trophy filled future to the midlands. 8 months in and things have already taken a sharp "turnez a droit" for Monsieur Houllier. A string of poor results, the criticism of players, and an army of angry brummies baying for your blood. Not exactly the match made in heaven Villa fans were looking for.

That completes the first annual A boy in the bath award ceremony. Please feel free to pick up your complementary goodie bag and finger a celebrity on your way out.

See you next year!


Post a Comment